This year was a tough year on that front.
The interesting thing, though, is that so many of the things I allowed to creep in and steal happiness and joy were of my own doing. It was because of the mindset I was in. I don't remember where I heard it, or who said it first, but someone told me that when you are focused on yourself, you are most lonely. The very act of "focusing on yourself" means you are looking down at your body or your feet, shutting others out, hunched and small as you go about your daily life. It is only when you look up and out in the world -- when you start to really see other people and do things to help others and be with others -- that you start to stand straighter and emanate the warm, inviting glow again. You smile again. You laugh again. You can feel joy and excitement and enthusiasm again. You invite others to share your joy. It's all in the way you think.
This was a year of great things. I had the opportunity to celebrate new beginnings as some of my favorite people married or had first babies. I was able to leave a part-time job I hated to do work that I enjoy and that is fulfilling. That job afforded me the opportunity to see a concert I'd dreamed of seeing since I was little. It also provided a way for me to help a best friend and my sister both celebrate their upcoming weddings by co-hosting a bachelorette party and showers (something I couldn't have done otherwise). Another very part-time position was made available to me almost one month to the day prior to finding out I'd have to purchase a new vehicle, thereby providing assurance that a car payment was an additional expense I could take on. There were a few health concerns among family members that were brought to light that are, at least for the time being, not nearly as serious as originally thought. We were able to travel to Ft. Benning to see my brother graduate from Basic Training and take the first steps in his career.
Despite all those great, exciting things and others I've forgotten to list, I found myself sad. That word doesn't carry enough weight, but I can't think of another word to explain it. It reached the point where I didn't want to go anywhere. I woke up. I went to work. I fulfilled the few absolute obligations I had. I went home. And when I got home, I sat and focused on all those things that weren't going my way. The more I focused on those things, the worse I felt, and the harder it was to get out and do the things I used to enjoy. I didn't want to see my friends. I didn't want to go to the movies. I didn't even want to go to the weekly small-group study I'd grown to love. It was miserable and strange. It led to terrible feelings of jealousy, anger, loneliness, and meanness. I felt so many mean and cruel things in my heart towards people who did nothing to me except to include me in their joyful moments. I hate the person it made me.
Then, when I was feeling my worst (and possibly because of that mood) I had a break-up. Now, this wasn't a real relationship - it was a complicated mess that went on for something like 2 years, and each of the two involved parties had a completely different idea about what this "situationship" was based on and where it was going. To be honest, it should have never happened in the first place. But nonetheless, it ended and it hurt like a break-up. I was angry, embarrassed, sad, and a myriad of other emotions all at once. It took a single conversation for me to shift from completely trusting this man to seeing him as a total stranger. For a little while, it flipped my world upside down. I thought I'd felt bad before? This wrecked me.
Funny thing with wrecks, though. They aren't destroyed. I'm not "all better" yet, but I've decided it's time to shift that mindset from the self to others again. Blessings abounded this year. I didn't offer up nearly enough thank-yous. Too many smiles were forced. Too many hugs were cold and tense. Too many congratulations were offered without enthusiasm. As we change out our calendars again, I'm resolving to be present, be encouraging, and be positive. I'll have PEP, if you will. (It made me giggle. Small steps people!) Hopefully, in shifting my focus back to the world again, I'll find that part of myself I used to like so much.
Happy New Year, friends. I sincerely wish for happiness, blessings, and some of your best memories in the coming year.
~Jaderade
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