Growing up is hard to do

The text of this post was originally a rant.

It stayed in draft mode for a few weeks as I logged in and furiously added more pieces to the puzzle. I thought it would make me feel better, but in reality, it only made me more upset. I felt like I was stockpiling ammunition "just in case I needed it." That's not a fun way to think.

I'll talk about Cosmo instead :)

Cosmo (Aliases "Kamikaze Cosmo" and "Cosmonaut the Labracadoberman") will be turning 4 this Thursday. In preparation of this momentous occasion, I've begun the annual search for a special birthday treat. Year 2 was Pupcakes with Cream cheese icing and Year 3 was Peanut Butter Bacon Bites. 

So far, these Cinnamon Bun Bites are looking like the winning option:

I might need to find a cinnamon roll recipe for people too, because now I want one as well...

Now I only have to find a birthday hat my puppychild won't eat...

I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair

I stumbled upon that song in 2006 when I was downloading any and every song I could think of via Bearshare, Limewire, and/or FrostWire. Sandi Thom - I Wish I Was A Punk Rocker (Official Video)

In keeping with the resolutions set forth in "Same Old Lang Syne," (Be Present, Be Encouraging, and  Be Positive.) I realize I need to be more aware of my surroundings. I typically avoid most news programs and headlines, because I want to avoid the negativity. It seems we are inundated with bad news. However, remaining blissfully unaware is a terrible policy. I don't have any idea what's going on in the world. No... I don't have any idea what's going on in my own city most of the time.

When I was in high school, I was on an academic competition team. One of the topics covered in every competition was Current Events. We were given a particular issue (or maybe issues... I can't remember) of Newsweek to study for each competition, and we had to read it cover to cover so that we were prepared for the one or two questions they would ask from that week. It was always a chore, but it was also refreshing to have an idea what people were talking about when the subjects came up in conversation. College presented opportunities for this as well as we were expected to be somewhat aware of current business news. 

I don't like being clueless. I don't like being that person that just nods along and throws out.
(Update: I typed all of that weeks ago. I haven't made any changes.)



I'm almost 30. When my parents were this age, I thought they knew EVERYTHING. How in the world did they fake it so well without Google at their disposal???

This font reminds me of typewriters

This font reminds me of typewriters.  That is highly appropriate since I'm feeling a bit nostalgic.

I feel lonely lately.

I also realized most of the "relationships" I've had (if you can call them that)as of late are toxic.  I want to love the unlovable (that's how we ended up with 2 of our dogs, remember?) and it usually ends up back-firing.  Is it so bad to want to find the good in everyone?

I'm Jade D. and I'm jaded.  Who knew that name would be so appropriate in my mid- to late-twenties?

In other news, life is grand. Cody joined the Army and went through Airborne training. Thought he wanted to go the Ranger route, but voluntarily withdrew. I think he's happy with that decision, but he's had to face the fact that the ARmy isn't all he thought it was going to be. At the end of the day, it's still just a job. This job gets to tell you exactly where you will live though.

I stood next to my friends Amanda and Sam in April as they said "I do" and started their life as a family. it was a beautiful ceremony with perfect weather (a great feat in the middle of April!). We had so much fun planning her showers and her girls' weekend in Gulf Shores. When we saw her in her dress, it was like it had been made for her. And who knew Sam could clean up that nice?!?

A week later, my friend Taylor got married in Birmingham. Unfortunately I couldn't make it to that wedding with it being so close to Sam and Amanda's, but love was certainly in the air that month!


We went to Birmingham and saw Garth Brooks in concert. THE Garth Brooks. Like, the same one I've listened to since before I remember listening to music. It was hands-down the greatest concert I've even seen. The rest of the trip was chaos, but the concert was AMAZING. (The next day, as the driver who only got about 2 hours of sleep, I managed to leave my cell phone in a gas station in the middle of nowhere, leave my wallet with all of our ID's at the National Infantry Museum when we went to pick up Cody for lunch -- and note that we had to have those ID's to get Cody back on base -- and somehow we managed to get all of these back. the good Lord was looking out for us that day!)

 Myah got married too. In a very quick turn-around time from engagement to wedding, Myah and Austin established their new household on July 18,  2015. They recently moved to Tupelo because the company wants to open a new gym there, and they want Austin to get it up and going. It's been strange not having her at home anymore and even stranger to have her in another state.

Earline the Sentra decided she needed a new transmission, so I kicked her to the curb. Got a $500 pity trade-in for her, and got a young, hot fiery redhead instead. Veronica the Sportage is the best! I forgot what it was like to have a vehicle that would go and stop when you told it to, accelerate when you put your foot on the gas, AND heat and cool at appropriate times! It's been exciting.

Jenny, my old roommate ALSO got married this year, in Tampa. She and Mitch look so happy together. Couldn't make the trip for that one, but I'm sure it was a beautiful affair :)

Daddy had a cancer scare, but everything with that is on hold for the time being. Apparently, "let's wait six months and see what's going on then," is the new solution to everything. Mom also has a health concern with a similar "solution." Grr....

Jasmine and Dustin are anxiously awaiting the migration from Iowa to SC. Jasmine is ready to be away from the corn field landscape and the endless snow. She's missed being near a coast. Even though she won't quite have her sugar-sand beaches, she said any beach is better than Iowa cornfields.

Cosmo has most of his fur back! I don't know what he was allergic to, but I'm glad he's off of his 9 pills at a time. His little kamikaze Cosmo maneuver out my back car window scared the living daylights out of me (and, once I was sure he was okay, made me want to kill him.) Jumping from a moving SUV while on the way HOME from the easiest vet visit he's ever had? I don't know what that dufus was thinking!

Life is good! 

Same Old Lang Syne

It's typically "easiest" to focus on the things that aren't working out as planned.

This year was a tough year on that front. 

The interesting thing, though, is that so many of the things I allowed to creep in and steal happiness and joy were of my own doing. It was because of the mindset I was in. I don't remember where I heard it, or who said it first, but someone told me that when you are focused on yourself, you are most lonely. The very act of "focusing on yourself" means you are looking down at your body or your feet, shutting others out, hunched and small as you go about your daily life. It is only when you look up and out in the world -- when you start to really see other people and do things to help others and be with others -- that you start to stand straighter and emanate the warm, inviting glow again. You smile again. You laugh again. You can feel joy and excitement and enthusiasm again. You invite others to share your joy. It's all in the way you think.

This was a year of great things. I had the opportunity to celebrate new beginnings as some of my favorite people married or had first babies. I was able to leave a part-time job I hated to do work that I enjoy and that is fulfilling. That job afforded me the opportunity to see a concert I'd dreamed of seeing since I was little. It also provided a way for me to help a best friend and my sister both celebrate their upcoming weddings by co-hosting a bachelorette party and showers (something I couldn't have done otherwise). Another very part-time position was made available to me almost one month to the day prior to finding out I'd have to purchase a new vehicle, thereby providing assurance that a car payment was an additional expense I could take on. There were a few health concerns among family members that were brought to light that are, at least for the time being, not nearly as serious as originally thought. We were able to travel to Ft. Benning to see my brother graduate from Basic Training and take the first steps in his career. 

Despite all those great, exciting things and others I've forgotten to list, I found myself sad. That word doesn't carry enough weight, but I can't think of another word to explain it. It reached the point where I didn't want to go anywhere. I woke up. I went to work. I fulfilled the few absolute obligations I had. I went home. And when I got home, I sat and focused on all those things that weren't going my way. The more I focused on those things, the worse I felt, and the harder it was to get out and do the things I used to enjoy. I didn't want to see my friends. I didn't want to go to the movies. I didn't even want to go to the weekly small-group study I'd grown to love. It was miserable and strange. It led to terrible feelings of jealousy, anger, loneliness, and meanness. I felt so many mean and cruel things in my heart towards people who did nothing to me except to include me in their joyful moments. I hate the person it made me. 

Then, when I was feeling my worst (and possibly because of that mood) I had a break-up. Now, this wasn't a real relationship - it was a complicated mess that went on for something like 2 years, and each of the two involved parties had a completely different idea about what this "situationship" was based on and where it was going. To be honest, it should have never happened in the first place. But nonetheless, it ended and it hurt like a break-up. I was angry, embarrassed, sad, and a myriad of other emotions all at once. It took a single conversation for me to shift from completely trusting this man to seeing him as a total stranger. For a little while, it flipped my world upside down. I thought I'd felt bad before? This wrecked me.

Funny thing with wrecks, though. They aren't destroyed. I'm not "all better" yet, but I've decided it's time to shift that mindset from the self to others again. Blessings abounded this year. I didn't offer up nearly enough thank-yous. Too many smiles were forced. Too many hugs were cold and tense. Too many congratulations were offered without enthusiasm. As we change out our calendars again, I'm resolving to be present, be encouraging, and be positive. I'll have PEP, if you will. (It made me giggle. Small steps people!) Hopefully, in shifting my focus back to the world again, I'll find that part of myself I used to like so much.

Happy New Year, friends. I sincerely wish for happiness, blessings, and some of your best memories in the coming year. 

~Jaderade

The Start of Something Bigger

It didn't quite take 3 years, but here I am again.

I finally took a leap and left the medical billing world... sort of.
I took a full-time position with the city, and went back to PRN with the billing office.  I have a longer drive, but so much less stress now.  I think in the grand scheme, this was a good move.  Leaving the place I've spent the better part of seven and a half years was difficult, but luckily I work with another amazing group of people.



Let's see... in the past 2 years or so:

We lost Papaw - he had complications at the beginning of a seemingly minor surgery, and they were never able to bring him back.

The relationship that was still fairly new as of that last post, ended the following March when we both realized we checked out for different reasons and made plans for ourselves that didn't include the other.

Dad also changed jobs, leaving the small shipyard for the bigger one down the road.  He isn't much happier, and the higher paycheck still isn't high enough.  He's still there, but I worry he has regrets.

All of the Davis kids are out of school for the moment.  Jasmine graduated college last year, Myah graduated high school last year, and Cody graduated high school just a few weeks ago.  Myah's opted to work for the time being, and Cody is considering a school in Panama City (that's the plan this week, at least.)  

We gained 2 dogs last summer - Cosmo the Labracadoberman, and Chewbacca Ragamuffin (Chewy) the Shih Tzu.  Both cast-offs for different reasons.  We tend to love the unlovable the most.  If Cosmo keeps eating my shoes/wall/books/furniture, he will certainly maintain that "unlovable" label.

We also lost 2 dogs in the past 6 months - one probably due to heart attack in bad weather, and one to an unknown illness.  

We've continued our terrible luck with vehicles... We murder them.  Earline the Sentra is currently rebelling by refusing to condition air.  Her TPS is also still moody.  

Jasmine and her (former) sailor are finally both back in Mobile.  Both are also currently unemployed, but looking.

Ashrey got married and now that I'm only a part-time medical biller, we seldom see each other. She's happy though, so that's good.

I reconnected with an old acquaintance and grew much closer to him than I expected.  Circumstances didn't/don't allow that relationship to expand, but it made me view things from a different perspective, and I think I'm a better person for it.

Despite all the changes, life still feels like it's on hold.  I don't know how to change that.  I guess for now I'll just work my life away and try to make my ground a little more stable.

It's a little bit funny

...when you rediscover something you'd forgotten.

This blog, for example. And the countless others that are likely floating around out there. All short-lived, each with a different tone. Some reflective; some pointless and silly; others a mish-mash of thoughts that don't quite seem to flow together anymore.

I love rediscovering things. In rediscovering this little piece of internet, I've been reminded of hopes from recent years that were so pure and uncomplicated, and doomed to failure without proper cultivation. I like being reminded how the innocent version of me saw the world. That person had so much potential -- but would likely dislike the way things have turned out. That person would vow to never become this version of me - the cubicle dweller in a flickering fluorescent light dungeon.

Luckily, "that person" did some growing up, so "this person" can see the practical side of things, and understands sometimes it is okay to be disappointed, as long as that doesn't become the norm.

I look forward to leaving another glimpse of myself, however short or long the time span may be. Maybe I'll forget about this, and rediscover again 3 or 5 years later, and be reminded of all the good and bad that shaped the person I am "today."

January 11, 2010

I miss you
I love you
I care about where you're going
I'm afraid of you leaving me behind,
but terrified you'll invite me along.
Right now, you're hurting me by ignoring me.
I hope its doing good for you, because it's killing me.
I want you to answer me...
I want you to tell me what I did wrong
I keep asking because I keep caring...

But, when I do finally stop asking, it means we've begun to die
And I'm going to warn you, I don't handle death well
And as death looms, I'll turn away, immersing myself in other things
Things to distract...
Then, I'll find a darkened closet in which to hide
Safe from the uncertainty and uncomfortable silences
until "we" disintegrate and dissolve

Emerging from that solitude, I'll recover quickly,
Life moves on and grief can only be allowed for so long
when there are unsleeping obligations.
I'll put our past life in a shoebox on the shelf
It's a box that will catch my gaze on occasion, but will never quite work it's way back down into my everyday life
Because I've already used up all the tears alloted for you.

Random Spoutings

So, my Best Friend got married last weekend..

She is 20..

It's weird.

The weekend, however, was quite fun, and I learned some new things about some people I thought I knew very well.

I've nearly decided that should the marriage bit ever happen for me, we will be visiting the courthouse.  There is TOO much stress involved in the typical wedding...  Not to mention the costs associated with said celebrations.

In other news, class started.  Everything you ever wanted to learn about American Lit, (part 2) crammed into approximately 1 month of 2hour classes every weekday...  I may die.

Dad, in trying to assist me in a search for a slightly more permanent job than the one I have, threw my name in the mix for a position with his company.  He failed to mention to the HR director, though, that I am still a full time student.  Full-Time student = Non-full-time employment = not really eligible for the job... and we find this out after he has enticed me with the news that the position pays almost double what I make per hour now.  That is just cruel! haha

Oh, my credit union decided to play a fun little game with my recent deposit, called "Let's put Jade's money in someone else's account and give her a heart attack."

In other news, tonight is my last night housesitting for the Alexanders.. I will be so glad to NOT be walking a dog at 6 in the morning anymore.  I will miss, however, being only 10 minutes away from my job, my school, and my church.. And anything else for that matter.  GB is a million miles from anything, and being in the middle of town has been amazing.  My MPG's are worse in the city, but I'm driving less, so that tank of gas STILL lasts longer.. 

I've felt isolated the past week.. My cell service is awful in this neighborhood, so if people have tried to speak to me, I can't get the calls.  

Today, I took a random drive about town.  I drove downtown, and through Chickasaw, Saraland, Satsuma, and Prichard.  It was nice to just sightsee for a change, but I wish I had had a passenger to two to share the ride with.

I also went to see the G'parents.  Granny made me eat dinner over there, because apparently, I looked hungry (?).  It was fantabulous, and it was a nice visit with them.

I need to go clean this house up now, so that it looks like it did when I arrived.. It will be a daunting task, because I am a slob.. and the dog has taken it upon himself to personally strew my loose clothing all about the house... It's a fun little game he plays..  (Well, HE thinks it is fun.... )

Jolly good day to you all!

Have a wonderful week.

~Jaderade

The Person I'm Becoming

I don't like the person I seem to be turning into.

I think things I never thought I would think.. I say things I said I'd never say.. I do things I said I'd never do...

And there is this one group of people that don't see this stuff, and they have me on this pedestal that I don't deserve to be on.  And there is another group that does see this stuff, and they have me driving the bus to hell.  I don't know how to end up back on middle ground where I am doing, saying, LIVING as I should be.

I can't keep doing this back and forth bit.  There are people that look up to me, and if they continue to see this downward spiral, it could shatter their view of the world and the way things work.  There are people that I look up to, that would be so disappointed or distraught if they knew what was going on all the time...

It's time for me to grow up and quit following the crowd.

But how do you do that when that's all you know?

I am a great storyteller...

I am a great storyteller.

At least, that's what Mark told me this time last week.  I concocted a fairly believable tale of a wild evening during Conference, and he truly thought that I was possibly telling the truth.  Unfortunately, I'm not a good liar, so I wasn't able to keep the charade going for long after the story's completion.  Oh well.. If nothing else pans out, perhaps Harlequin will be looking for new authors...

Mom pointed something out today.  If I do graduate next May as planned, I will not be covered on Dad's health insurance anymore.. That is going to be a bummer... Especially with the stuff I've been looking to do during that time.  I don't know how all of that will work out with no insurance... Maybe I'm doomed to stay in Medical Billing.. 

In other news, it has rained for the past 4 days.  I'm glad, but I haven't been able to just sit and enjoy it.  It decides to rain only while I'm in the office or on the road headed somewhere with a schedule to keep.  Growing up sucks sometimes.

I desperately need a day of playing in the park...  Too bad most of my friends have gone home for the summer.  I can't go by myself, because that makes me the creepy old person.... I get out of the car and walk toward the swings, all the Moms frantically look around and gather their children... Not a good day.  The last thing I need is to be on the 6 o'clock news as the possible predator lurking around the local park.. Geez...

Adulthood is going to kill my spirit.. I can already feel it.

Thoughts after the trip to Juarez

I've been back from the mission trip to Juarez for about a week and a half or so now. I still don't think I've fully readjusted to being home again, even though the trip was only a few days long. People ask about the trip, and i get excited, because it was a very different experience for me, and I want to talk about it. So, I start. And I just get more and more excited, and I can tell that they kind of get that glazed-over, "I'm gonna keep listening to you because I did ask about this, but I've really really lost interest" look. I've learned how to pick up on that, and realize that there is no way I can get them as excited about it as I am....

I had lunch with Johnny today. If I recall correctly, it was the first time we'd spoken since the trip. He asked how I was doing. I told him that home doesn't feel like "home" anymore, and I can't figure out why.. Juarez had something to do with it, I'm sure, but I'm also fairly certain that there's more to it than I'm seeing. A lot of things don't feel like "home" anymore. I keep kind of meandering through everything, hoping that something is gonna click, and make sense all of a sudden, but so far, no such luck. If all goes according to plan, by this time next year, I will have my degree in General Business. Please don't ask what that means, because I have no idea where that is gonna put me.

Jp told me that during the trip I seemed preoccupied. He had a notion as to what was causing it, and to a degree he was right. That is a matter not to be discussed here, but it is present, and if you've been around lately, you probably know about it.. Just trust me.. lol I was preoccupied. I've been preoccupied for a while, but I didn't realize it. My main problem is that I am very easily distracted.. And I don't mean simply "Ooooh look, something shiny..." I mean that my lack of interest in most things has made me gravitate towards those "distractions" that are fun for a moment or two. This means that my energies have been more devoted to short-term happiness instead of long-term happiness and fulfillment. This is definitely a problem that I need to take care of...

How do I do that, though?

I truly believe that when I die, I'll be laughing hysterically...

I'm Jade.  I smile and laugh.  

It doesn't make life easier, but it sure makes it more fun.

Life's too short to go around being sad and depressed all the time...

We take ourselves too seriously.

Sometimes, it's okay to just make a fool of yourself (which is good, since I'm becoming a pro at this!)

On to other things now:

Summer is upon us.

These coastal summers are nice, but after spending a week in Mexico, I realize that life without humidity could quite possibly be as close to heaven as we can get on Earth...  I miss those dry mornings.. On the other hand, I'm not a huge fan of dust storms.. Perhaps my salty white beaches and horrendously frizzy locks aren't so bad after all.........

I'm sick today.  I think it is just sinuses.  All I know is that I want it to go away soon.

My car is still amazing... But I've been logging some miles on it in the past week or so.  It is so much fun to drive around doing nothing, but I need to resist the urge to sightsee right now.

Okay, I'm done.. This a little weird, and I feel like I'm talking to myself. 

(no comments on me being crazy allowed! )